Over-Apologizing: Strategies to End the Pattern

For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.